Sofa of Rassilon EXTRA - Doctor in Distress (1985)

Sarah -
I've been looking forward to discussing "Doctor in Distress" for YEARS!


Harry -
First time in the history of the English language that that sentence has been written?


Sarah -
If only there was a behind-the-scenes-making-of video!


Harry -
Not sure if I can watch the music video a third time without rupturing something from laughter.


Sarah -
I've watched it three times and have noticed something new each time.


Harry -
It was a troubled time, back in 1985. Doctor Who was in crisis. Ratings were falling, the quality of the show was questionable at times, and BBC overseers just wanted it to go away. Early in the year, it was announced that the show was being put on hiatus. There would be no more Doctor Who for 18 months. Fans panicked, thinking this might be the end. Eighties superfan Ian Levine took it upon himself to help save the show. In the spirit of the times, the only possible answer could be... a supergroup charity single.

And so "Doctor in Distress" was born.


Sarah -
It was just a few months after Band Aid, so I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time. 

In retrospect, Levine has declared "Doctor in Distress" "...an absolute balls-up fiasco. It was pathetic and bad and stupid." I can't disagree with him, but I'm still really glad it exists. "Doctor in Distress" doesn't reach the heights of "it's so bad, it's good," but it is so brilliantly bad that it makes me happy to be a Doctor Who fan.


Harry -
Performing under the awkward moniker "Who Cares?", the assembled supergroup was, well, a list of people:

Colin Baker
Nicola Bryant
Nicholas Courtney
Anthony Ainley
Earlene Bentley
Faith Brown (comedienne)
Miquel Brown
Warren Cann from Ultravox
Hazell Dean
Floid Pearce from Hot Gossip
Bobby G from Bucks Fizz
Jona Lewie
Phyllis Nelson
Richie Pitts from the cast of the stage musical Starlight Express
John Rocca from Freeez
Sally Thomsett (actress)
David Van Day from Dollar
Members of Matt Bianco (Basia Trzetrzelewska and Danny White)
Members of The Moody Blues (Justin Hayward and John Lodge)
Members of Tight Fit (Steven Grant and Julie Harris)
Members of Time UK (Rick Buckler, Ronnie Ball, Fletcher Christian, Jimmy Richards, Ray Simone and Nick Smith)

I love the fact that Jona Lewie was there. I still have his albums! Pretty sure you can spot him at the end of the video.

The music was composed by Hans Zimmer, who went on to mega success composing for Hollywood blockbusters. Here though, it sounds like he was trying out a new synthesizer for the first time.


Sarah -
I imagine this track didn't feature prominently on Zimmer's CV!

Everyone looks vaguely embarrassed to be there, don't you think?


Harry -
It's all summed up by Colin covering his face in the final shot of the video. However some of the performers looked like they are giving it their all as they belted out their one line. On the other hand, Nicholas Courtney and Anthony Ainley seem unaware of what they are supposed to be doing. Another tragic example of "when TV actors sing".


Sarah -
The moment when Anthony Ainley sings -- or whatever we're calling what he does -- "And a canine computer" may just be my favorite moment in the entire piece. I just want to watch it over and over.


Harry -
Ultimately, "Doctor in Distress" had absolutely zero impact on the BBC's decision, and the 18-month hiatus went ahead. The single was poorly received in all corners, and the BBC wouldn't even play it on radio because it didn't meet quality standards. It was a god-awful cock-up from start to finish. Poor Colin!


Sarah -
Poor, poor Colin. He deserved so much better. 

Fortunately, we don't have to wait 18 months for more Doctor Who. It's on to Trial of a Time Lord!


Harry -
Let's do it!

Story #142 - Revelation of the Daleks (1985)

Harry -
This story is one of those ones that I don't often think about, but it's always great on a rewatch.


Sarah -
So great that I may even suspend my criticism of Eric Saward for our discussion of "Revelation of the Daleks", which was the last Doctor Who story he wrote.


Harry -
Well, he went out on a high. Admittedly, I just watched the "making of" DVD featurette and everyone they interviewed was bubbling with enthusiasm, especially director Graeme Harper. He must have been fun to work with.


Sarah -
It seems that directing from the floor, rather than from a distant control room, can only improve the relationship between director and cast. It's always reassuring to see Graeme Harper's name in the credits -- in any era of Doctor Who. "Revelation of the Daleks" would be his last Doctor Who story until 2006's "Rise of the Cybermen" and he's just as competent 21 years later. 

Along with this being the last story written by Saward and last directed by Harper, it was nearly the last episode of Doctor Who ever. While "Revelation of the Daleks" is probably my favorite story of the Colin Baker era, it would have been heartbreaking to have ended here.


Harry -
The show was very much "in distress" behind the scenes, but you wouldn't know it from this production. Moody location shooting, lush studio sets, and a huge cast of great performers.


Sarah -
Season twenty-two has faced its challenges, but it goes out on a very high note.


Harry -
It looks and feels epic as we delve into the goings on at Tranquil Repose, a mausoleum on the planet Necros that specializes in preserving the bodies of the affluent and influential in suspended animation.

Inspired by Evelyn Waugh's The Loved One, Saward crafted a story that involved multiple pairings of characters. The first ones we meet are:

- Mr. Jobel, the head mortician and Tasambeker, a lovestruck enbalming assistant
- Takis and Lilt, two senior staffers at Tranquil Repose
- Natasha and Grigory, two bodysnatchers who sneak down to the catacombs in search of Professor Arthur Stengos, her father


Sarah -
So many double acts -- and more to come. I love the moment later in the story when Bostock (half of yet another double act) comments of Kara and Vogel, "They're like a double act."


Harry -
The Doctor and Peri barely figure in the first half of the story, which may not have been a bad thing as Saward suddenly decided that what their friendship needed was a round of fat jokes. Seriously, fat jokes? They put Nicola in a winter coat and suddenly she's fat? At least they got this sour note out of the way early so we could enjoy the rest of the story.


Sarah -
I have to admit that I found myself thinking that the coat was doing her no favors. I was irritated by the bickering at first, but realized that they were both giving it as good as they took it. Maybe the bickering is just the way they communicate. Peri's "Watch it, Porky" comment to the Doctor made me laugh so hard I had to pause the video.


Harry -
So bizarre.

The Doctor has been lured to Necros to find Stengos. First, he and Peri have a brief, fatal encounter with a mutant who tells them he was a failed experiment by the so-called Great Healer. After Peri clubs him to death (oh my!), she and the Doctor spend the rest of part one trying to find the entrance.


Sarah -
The Doctor was quite consoling of Peri in her grief. It's an especially touching moment for this TARDIS team.


Harry -
Inside, a brash, jibbering DJ spins tunes, conveys messages from loved ones, and wiles away the hours informing and entertaining the residents of Tranquil Repose. It's none other than Alexei Sayle, one of the faces of British comedy in the 80s. The DJ is one of the few non-double acts in the story, until he joins up with Peri later on to blast some Daleks.


Sarah -
Imagine, if you will, teenage Sarah, rabid Young Ones fan, watching this for the first time in 1986. I nearly lost my mind when Alexei Sayle showed up! To be honest, he was almost all I remembered about this story before this rewatch.


Harry -
Daleks! As the title of the story implies. They are lurking in the catacombs with Davros. Davros! He escaped the exploding space station in "Resurrection of the Daleks", and has spurred on the Dalek civil war by creating a flashy new model of Dalek: white and gold and unquestioningly loyal. He also appears to have lost his chair and the rest of his body below the neck. All we see of him is his head, as he pivots around inside a large self-contained apparatus. I loved his angry spinning!


Sarah -
Davros instantly makes any Dalek story more interesting. I love that the story picks up from "Resurrection of the Daleks", with the Supreme Dalek's forces searching for Davros, who has created his own Dalek army.


Harry -
Since escaping from the Fifth Doctor, Davros has been hard at work, experimenting on a new breed of Dalek, some kind of mutant Dalek-human hybrid monstrosity which seems weird since Daleks are so rigid about racial purity. Then again, it's Davros, and he explains himself to no one.


Sarah -
It's a reminder that Davros is, in fact, not a Dalek -- even after all these years!


Harry -
Not only is Davros up against his original creations, but another pair of double acts are manoeuvring against him. Hey look, it's Eleanor Bron, last seen admiring the TARDIS with John Cleese in a Parisian art gallery. Here, she plays Kara, a powerful businesswoman who has grown rich on the food products that Davros has produced for her.


Sarah -
I love Love LOVE Eleanor Bron's performance as Kara. Her scenes with Davros -- when they're both being obsequiously deceptive and know the other is doing the same thing -- are amazing. Bron and Molloy both hit exactly the right notes.


Harry -
She and her EA (who may be more than just an EA), Vogel, plot to overthrow Davros and control food production in the whole galaxy. They hire an old knight and his squire, Orcini and Bostock, to assassinate Davros. To complete the array of doublecrossings, Kara has also planted a bomb with Orcini, hoping he will blow up any lasting evidence of the deed, including himself.


Sarah -
William Gaunt's Orcini is the perfect anti-hero. A temporarily excommunicated Knight of the Grand Order of Oberon, he now works as a mercenary who donates his fees to charity to cleanse his soul. Inspired by Don Quixote and Sancho Panza, Orcini and Bostock round out our list of double acts.


Harry -
While all that has been going on, the Doctor and Peri finally found the entrance to Tranquil Repose -- only to discover a huge funerary monument bearing a carving of the Doctor. Shocked, the Doctor ponders the possibility that he has arrived after his own death. Luckily for him, a gust of wind topples the thing and it turns out to be a total ruse.


Sarah -
Beware the tumbling tower of styrofoam!


Harry -
But who would do such a thing? Before they can ask, Jobel slithers out of nowhere and tries to put his charms on Peri. What a scuzzball.


Sarah -
Clive Swift (aka Richard Bucket -- pronounced Bouquet, of course -- of Keeping up Appearances) is absolutely brilliant as Jobel. He's the king of his tiny domain of embalmers, so sure of himself and with an epic sense of entitlement. He's especially confident about his prowess with women and he tries repeatedly to put the movies on Peri -- who counters him every time.

So, I think this is the point where I have to call out Eric Saward on his treatment of the Doctor. I'm pretty sure the reason I'm swooning over the guest performers -- Terry Molloy's Davros, Eleanor Bron's Kara, William Gaunt's Orcini, and Clive Swift's Jobel -- is not only because they're talented actors, but because they're given all the best bits of the story. Saward is on record as not having been a fan of Colin Baker's Doctor and he's used this story to sideline the Doctor and make him little more than an observer for much of the story. 

I wouldn't call "Revelation of the Daleks" a Doctor-lite story as some have, but the Doctor is definitely not the hero of this story.


Harry -
It's really an ensemble story. Saward crammed so many characters into it that no one could hold the spotlight for too long.


Sarah -
I don't think it's that simple. We've had wonderful ensemble stories in the past without the Doctor being pushed to the sidelines. This story feels different, as much as I enjoy it.


Harry -
Once everyone finally gets inside -- the Doctor and Peri through the front, Orcini and Bostock through the back -- Davros and his Daleks seize events by the throat. Echoing a scene from "Timelash", the Doctor encourages Peri to go with Jobel to meet the DJ while he has a look around.


Sarah -
You mean the dee-JAY? If anyone was still under the impression that Nicola Bryant was American, her pronunciation of DJ should have put an end to that.


Harry -
There was even that peculiar moment when the DJ asked Peri if her accent was real. Perhaps another bit of snide writing by Saward?


Sarah -
Meanwhile, Jobel is all over Peri again -- and she smacks him down before making her escape:

Jobel: Those rose red ruby lips were made for kissing. 
Peri: But not by you. 
Jobel: I love a woman who plays hard to get. 
Peri: Then you'll love me to death.


Harry -
Almost immediately, the Doctor gets caught by Daleks and thrown downstairs with the bodysnatchers. Natasha had just experienced the horror of finding her father trapped inside a glass Dalek shell, being mutated into one of Davros' insane hybrids.


Sarah -
The Dalek-hybrid image was so disturbing.


Harry -
This is not the only manipulation Davros got up to. Having taken Tasambeker under his, er, disembodied wing, he starts filling her mind with his sick thoughts, offering her immortality as a Dalek. It was heartbreaking to watch as her heart got broken. First, Davros shows her closed circuit footage of Jobel plotting a rebellion with Takis and Lilt. Later, when she herself goes to Jobel to warn him, Jobel treats her with utter contempt, mocking her and calling her a little creep. Twisted by Davros and fuelled by heartbreak, Tasambeker spirals into a murderous rage and she stabs Jobel with a syringe of enbalming fluid. He collapses in a heap, his ego and vanity deflated and his silly toupé sliding off his head. The Daleks then immediately exterminate Tasambeker. It was a stunning sequence.


Sarah -
Apparently, JN-T made them tone down the syringe scene, but it's still disturbing. The toupé falling to the ground is an effective bit of pathos. 

Jenny Tomasin comes in for a lot of criticism for her portrayal of Tasambeker, but it worked for me. She's such a pathetic character who has been treated badly by everyone with whom she interacts. I have no problem believing that someone like her could be so deftly manipulated by Davros. [On a side note, Tomasin portrayed Ruby the kitchen maid on my beloved Upstairs Downstairs. When she and Clive Swift appear for the first time in the story, Mr. Smith excitedly said, "It's Richard Bucket and Ruby!"]


Harry -
I thought Tasambeker's unravelling was brilliantly portrayed. The anguish with which she yelled "I hate you!" at Jobel was powerful.


Sarah -
It was!


Harry -
And with that, the massacre begins.


Sarah -
Well, it is an Eric Saward story.


Harry -
After the pathetic demises of Jobel and Tasambeker, we cut to Orcini and Bostock creeping into Davros' lair. They attack and destroy the head of Davros, only to realize it was a decoy Davros (another double act!). I loved the low camera angle when the real megalomaniac emerged in his black outfit and familiar chair. He's never looked more menacing.


Sarah -
I love that moment! Clever Davros, outwitting everyone once again.


Harry -
Davros' Daleks leap or rather roll into action as Orcini and Bostock are zapped. Over in the laboratory, the bodysnatchers are killed. Kara is brought before Davros, and she reveals her assassination-bomb plot before Orcini stabs her to death. Saward unchained! Cut to the DJ's studio, where he has rigged up a sonic blaster to take out a few Daleks before he too is killed.


Sarah -
Poor DJ. I really like Alexei Sayle's performance. His on-air stuff is really over the top, which I thought was appropriate. It when he drops the DJ character that he really shines. He's positively starstruck to meet an American and acts like a nervous fan boy. He even gets to be a hero by helping alert the President's approaching ship about the danger facing him on Necros. It's really sad when he dies.


Harry -
And you're right about the Doctor's lack of participation, Sarah. While the bloodbath is going on in all corners of Tranquil Repose, we find him wandering around downstairs by himself. Eventually, he arrives at Davros' lair, where his old enemy reveals all. He has been using the "residents" of the mausoleum not just for his hybrid experiments, but also to create the food product that Kara has been distributing across the galaxy. I was half expecting Colin to do his best Charlton Heston and start yelling "It's people! IT'S PEOPLE!"


Sarah -
That would have been the best thing ever!

I always enjoy a good Doctor-Davros face-off and I'm happy Colin Baker got one.


Harry -
I liked the silent interaction between the Doctor and Orcini. Just when it seems Davros and his white Daleks have everyone cornered, a troop of original Daleks arrives and they arrest him. I liked the simplicity of it all, Davros being rolled away as a prisoner, raging against it all the way. Quel dommage, Davros!


Sarah -
And the Doctor is left behind because the Daleks don't recognize his current incarnation!


Harry -
Holding fast to his honour and his code as a knight, Orcini chooses to destroy all remnants of Davros' lab with the bomb. He detonates it after giving the survivors a head start. Tranquil Repose caves in, but the Doctor offers a new line of work to Takis, Lilt and the others in the form of the protein-enhanced flowers he and Peri had picked earlier. So instead of everyone getting slaughtered wholesale, Saward was nice enough to let a few people start their lives anew.


Sarah -
I guess it counts as hopeful-ish ending.


Harry -
This was a great finish to a very uneven season. I said at the beginning that I don't often think about "Revelation of the Daleks", but it's always a treat to watch. The performances, the sets and the dark humour are all fantastic.


Sarah -
It feels like a bold statement to say "Revelation of the Daleks" is my favorite story of season twenty-two. "The Two Doctors" has emotion on its side, but Revelation still tops my list.


Harry -
Peri still wants a holiday, so the Doctor turns to the camera and announces that he'll take her to B-----. Seriously, if that was how the series ended, it would have been the cruelest thing ever.


Sarah -
I can't even think about that possibility without getting upset.


Harry -
Fortunately the show would return, but TV viewers would be forever left with that dangling "B". The first story of the planned next season was set in Blackpool, where the Doctor would have encountered The Celestial Toymaker. Oh, what could have been...

Best Line: 
Vogel: Be seated, gentlemen.
Orcini: We prefer to stand.
Kara: Of course. How foolish. As men of action, you must be like coiled springs - alert, ready to pounce.
Orcini: Nothing so romantic. I have an artificial leg with a faulty hydraulic valve. When seated the valve is inclined to jam.

Favourite Moment: when the real Davros reveals himself to Orcini and Bostock.

Lasting Image: So many to choose from! The Doctor and Peri in their mourning blues always sticks in my mind.

7/10


Sarah -
Best Line: 
Jobel: You know, if the statue actually had been made of stone, I doubt if it'd have killed you. 
Doctor: Really? 
Jobel: No, it would take a mountain to crush an ego like yours. 

In a story filled with zippy comebacks, this was my favorite

Favorite Moment: Kara and Davros out-flattering each other, while sharpening their knives!

Lasting Image: It really is hard to choose just one, but the DJ in his hippy garb was the image I most remembered going into this story. 

8/10

 

Our marathon will continue with: The Trial of a Timelord...

Story #141 - Timelash (1985)

Sarah -
Oh dear, Harry. Oh dear. We've managed to stay positive through some epic low points in Doctor Who history, but I'm afraid we're facing our greatest challenge in "Timelash".

I can only agree with Peri: "It's so dull. It lacks sparkle. There's no reflection. It's all so mat and lifeless. Even the goblets don't shine."


Harry -
Little did she know but she was about to become as objectified as the objects she was describing. Poor Nicola!


Sarah -
She's fully clothed for a change, but the aliens are still after her!


Harry -
"Timelash" began as new writer Glen McCoy's proposal for a thrilling adventure with the Daleks. Eric Saward promptly rejected it, so McCoy came back with a story idea based on a young H.G. Wells having a thrilling adventure with the Doctor -- an adventure that would inspire many of the science fiction novels he would go on to write. A charming concept, but it was horribly realized by this crew. From top to bottom, this really is a low point.


Sarah -
It's brutal.


Harry -
Before we even get to the story, what is up with Colin's hair? He begins the story with a fresh trim in part one, but by the end of part two he's looking decidedly shaggy. Presumably the story was filmed in a very muddled sequence, or something had to be refilmed. The Doctor's changing hair lengths always fascinate me. Wait until we get to Peter Capaldi's first season!


Sarah -
Don't even get me started on Capaldi's hair or we'll never get back to Colin!

According to the bonus featurette on the DVD, JN-T whisked Baker and Bryant off to Chicago for a con in the middle of filming. And then they had to shoot extra scenes while filming "Revelation of the Daleks" due to "Timelash" running short. Every season of 80s Doctor Who has that one story that gets short shrift -- and "Timelash" is that story in spades!


Harry -
There's the answer. Thank you, Toby Hadoke!


Sarah -
I take that as the ultimate compliment!


Harry -
Anyway, TARDIS, console room, Peri dressed sensibly for a change, and the Doctor poring over some star charts. They discuss taking a holiday and it starts pleasantly enough, but within minutes they are furiously bickering again. It's so tiresome.


Sarah -
And so boring. They were getting on so well in "The Two Doctors" and now we're back to the bickering. I blame Eric Saward for not doing something about this. Every story begins with them bickering and then they get along well in the story -- and then it's back to bickering. This is why we have script editors!


Harry -
Cut to: a trio of young rebels in the citadel.

Where's this citadel? Who knows!

What are they rebelling against? Who knows! But as rebels go, they are pretty shoddy at it. Rounded up immediately by citadel security, the two males are hauled before an assembly of local officials and a sentence is immediately passed on them. They are to be hurled into the Timelash.

What is the Timelash? Who knows! But in they go, wailing at the unfairness of it all. Meanwhile the third rebel, a young female, is brought before the Borad.

Who is the Borad? Who knows! But he has one good eye on the ladies as we'll see.


Sarah -
Why are we watching this story? Who knows! I'm starting to miss "The Space Pirates".


Harry -
The best I could make of it is that this futuristic society is on the planet Karfel. It's a planet. And it's Orwell-a-go-go, with everyone living their lives under the watchful eye of the cameras. There's even a Big Brother character who pops up onscreen to remind everyone he's watching.

He's also intolerant of dissent. He spies on a clandestine discussion between the current civic leader and one of the other officials -- Maylin Renis and Mykros, respectively. Their distrust of the regime and their knowledge of how to bring it down calls for an immediate crackdown. Maylin Renis is brought before the Borad, and is immediately executed. The Borad has a nifty weapon: a kind of mini time destructor ray that rapidly ages its target, until they collapse in a pile of bones. I found it unintentionally comic each time someone's skeleton clattered to the floor. But anyway, that's Renis sorted. Time for a new Maylin, and Tekker wins the title. Played by Paul Darrow, Maylin Tekker has slime oozing out of every pore and he plays the villain with great relish. His first act of office is to condemn Myrkos to the Timelash. A scuffle ensues and the previous Maylin's daughter Vena ends up tumbling through. Woops!


Sarah -
I'm just going to say right now that Paul Darrow is my absolute favorite thing about Timelash. He's so over the top that he's back around to the bottom. Legend has it that he was annoyed by Colin Baker's outsized performance on Blake's 7 and decided to engage in retaliatory upstaging on Doctor Who. Mission accomplished! He flaunted a direct order from JN-T to tone it down and I'm so glad he did. He singlehandedly raises my rating by at least two points!

Meanwhile, Vena ends up in H.G. Wells' sitting room. Why? Who knows!

The TARDIS, of course, arrives in the midst of this kerfuffle and Tekker turns on the charm. He takes Peri hostage, forcing the Doctor to enter the Timelash and retrieve the amulet that went in with Vena. I'm sure there's a reason he needs the amulet, but I don't remember why and I'm not sure I care.


Harry -
The amulet is powerful, like all amulets.


Sarah -
Of course. Silly me!


Harry -
And the Doctor is known to these people, having been there once before. So they know he's capable of retrieving the amulet, which is powerful.


Sarah -
How weird was the retconning of the Third Doctor and Jo in this story? I can't have been the only confused viewer trying to remember when we'd been here before. That was all quite useless.


Harry -
It was a welcome but pointless shoutout. I'm trying to imagine a scenario where the Doctor breaks out his photo album of old friends and companions, so that Peri would have been able to recognize Jo Grant at a glance.


Sarah -
"And here's my best friend, Miss Smith. She was so much better than you." Good times in the TARDIS!


Harry -
The Doctor calculates his way after Vena, who has been welcomed from beyond the stars by young "Herbert", amateur spiritualist, at his cottage in Scotland. The Doctor introduces himself and explains to Vena that he is her means of returning to Karfel.

Initially cute in an astonished sort of way, Herbert quickly becomes annoying -- it's like watching someone watch Doctor Who for the first time and they start explaining everything about the show back to you. Initially cute, but after a while...


Sarah -
After a while, you just want to smack them and tell them to STFU!


Harry -
Departing with Vena, the Doctor tells Herbert to stay put and forget this ever happened, but instead he stows away aboard the TARDIS. Now he's a fan stalker!


Sarah -
And then he does it again at the end of the story!


Harry -
The TARDIS returns to the Karfellian Hall of the Peoples (I made that up), and the powerful amulet is returned to Tekker's oily hands. Naturally, he orders everyone to be thrown into the Timelash. Another scuffle ensues, until one of the peculiar blond-haired, blue-skinned androids seizes the Doctor by the scruff of the neck and pushes him towards the Timelash. Here comes the cliffhanger: cue the extreme close-up of the Doctor's agonized face!


Sarah -
I'm fairly certain he was just mirroring the viewers' feelings.

But wait! There's been an insurrection and the baddies are driven from the Hall of the Peoples! Hooray! This will certainly make things more interesting!

Except it doesn't. The Doctor shimmies down a rope into the Timelash to pillage some crystals. Why? WHO KNOWS! What I do know is this has to be the most tedious "adventure" scene ever. The crystal allows the Doctor to create a time ruse, whatever that might be.


Harry -
Oh man, this was a case of "don't show us what's behind the shimmering screen" -- because it's so disappointing. Poor Colin having to straddle those grey outcroppings as if he was the universe's worst burlesque dancer, surrounded by a wall of Christmas glitter and craft store foam shapes... oh man.


Sarah -
As if the costume wasn't humiliation enough. Please, let's pile some more on.


Harry -
Meanwhile, Peri has been kidnapped from her tour of the citadel, but she escaped down to the caves below. After being menaced by a leftover prop from "Invasion of the Dinosaurs", some other rebels help her escape back into the citadel... where she is promptly kidnapped again, dragged back to the caves and tied up.


Sarah -
Has any companion ever suffered as many as indignities as Nicola Bryant?


Harry -
Oh man. Meanwhile, Tekker has used all his diplomatic charm to trigger a war between the people of Karfel and the mercantile sock puppets of planet Bandril. Shit is getting cray.


Sarah -
OMG, the puppet! What the what, Harry? It's off the hook!


Harry -
As for the Timelash crystals, the Doctor uses them to fashion all sorts of merchandise that every wide-eyed Herbert would want for their birthday. An invisibility cloak! A 10-second time shifter! A reverse ray blaster! In stores now!


Sarah -
Now they're just making shit up and throwing it out there.


Harry -
Armed and ready, the Doctor marches off to confront the Borad. Finding him in his control room, the Doctor realizes that the Borad is actually Megelen, an old scientist he met previously on Karfel. Megelen was horribly disfigured when his DNA became fused with that of a Morlox in an explosion. Presumably driven mad, Megelen now wants to create a second human-Morlox hybrid out of Peri.


Sarah -
Can Peri not just find a nice normal warlord to settle down with? Someone who will love her for who she is and not what some psychopath wants her to be?


Harry -
Maybe someday she'll find true love, even if it's very shouty.


Sarah -
We can only hope.


Harry -
Have you noticed the running theme in season 22, Sarah? Mad scientists run amok, from Quillam on Varos to the Rani and Dastari, and now Megelen. All of them tinkering with DNA in insane experiments. It's the mad scientist season.


Sarah -
Mad Scientists are always good for a laugh.

So, the Borad ages Tekker to death and seems to have caused his own death while trying to kill the Doctor. The Doctor hops in the TARDIS to avert an incoming sock puppet missile. Peri follows, they bicker, she retreats. But look, Herbert has stowed away again. That scamp!

The Doctor uses the TARDIS to deflect the missile and BOOM! There goes the TARDIS. But wait, don't be sad, he's alive. Hooray!

Guess who else is alive? The Borad! That scamp!

And this is where the crazy bounds over the insanity cliff into the canyon of batshit cray-cray.


Harry -
The wheels are completely off and "Timelash" careens into unforgiveable territory. Namely, coming up with shit that is just implausible, even for Doctor Who. So the Borad can clone himself, but he cannot isolate and restore the human DNA of his clones? That's too much of an ask for a mad scientist?


Sarah -
Don't start trying to impose logic now -- it's far too late for that!


Harry -
(I will concede this: the Borad was nicely realized. His face was a brilliant achievement by the makeup department, and Robert Ashby's dark chocolate voice gave tasty resonance to even his hokiest lines. One other side note: about halfway through the story, it clicked for me that the phony, "Big Brother" Borad -- Denis Carey -- had previously appeared as The Keeper of Traken in that eponymous story, and as Professor Chronotis in "Shada".)


Sarah -
(OK, fine, I'll concede that, too. Poor Denis Carey, being dragged into this mess.)


Harry -
Back to the careening story. The absolute worst moment from so many to choose from was when Peri asked the Doctor how he and the TARDIS had escaped the exploding sock puppet missile. He shrugs it off and says he'll tell her later. What? Seriously? That kind of drek passes quality control in the JN-T/Saward era? Wow.


Sarah -
Quality control? You're cracking me up! Saward's whining in the DVD extra was infuriating: "There were no writers available, so we had to go with the unemployed ambulance driver. JN-T wouldn't let me hire any real writers." Boo-flipping-hoo. I've come to loathe him in these past months.


Harry -
It's astonishing to think that people off the street could be commissioned to write a Doctor Who story back then. That's the impression I get.

By then, the Borad had seized Peri like some trophy he'd like to keep for himself, been frightened by his own appearance when the Doctor smashes his old portrait and reveals a mirror (smashing a portrait to reveal a mirror? Makes total sense to JN-T and Saward), and falls into the Timelash. Apparently he's going to become the Loch Ness Monster... even though a previous Doctor Who story showed us that the Zygons were behind the Loch Ness Monster! WHAT THE HELL?

That does it. They broke me. I'm done with this mess.


Sarah -
There must be a left over bottle of gin around her somewhere. Let's find it and get the hell out of here.


Harry -
Dahling, pass me your glass.

Best Line: Didn't make note of one.

Favourite Moment: each time one of the skeletons of the Borad's victims clattered comically to the floor, the sound they made amused me.

Lasting Image: the Borad's excellently-done face makeup.

2/10


Sarah -
Best Line:
Herbert: But who would know?
Doctor: I would. So would every other Time Lord from here to Gallifrey, and I can assure you, they're not all as pleasant and agreeable as I am. 
(I have to admit that made me laugh.)

Favorite Moment: Every moment Paul Darrow is chewing up the scenery.

Lasting Image: The Doctor's burlesque shimmy into the Timelash.

2/10

Our marathon continues with Story #141: Revelation of the Daleks...

Sofa of Rassilon EXTRA: A Fix with Sontarans (1985)

Harry -
Wow. Just wow.

If there's anything that substantiates the Colin Baker era as the nadir of televised Doctor Who, it is this horrendous thing.

Sarah -
Poor Colin - and Poor Janet! OMG, that hair!

Harry -
Poor Janet indeed. That for her final televised appearance on Doctor Who, Tegan was inexplicably beamed aboard the TARDIS, wearing her air hostess uniform again (and OMG that hair!), and made to endure a bout of bickering with the Sixth Doctor during a Davison-era scene of console room pandemonium. The casual sexism that Eric Saward wrote into the script must have boiled her blood too.

Sarah -
There's something sweet about planning this skit in response to young Gareth Jenkins' letter. He's quite adorable in the Sixth Doctor coat his Nan made for him.

Harry -
The premise of the episode is charming. Not only did Gareth get to meet the Doctor, but they got to have an adventure on telly too -- it's every kid's dream come true! He seemed a bit overwhelmed by the experience, but what 8-year-old wouldn't be given pause after being barked at by Colin Baker?

Sarah -
Unfortunately, it was part of creepy pedophile Jimmy Savile's show. Still, Gareth has his own TARDIS wikia page, so there's something.

Harry -
Something to which we all aspire.

Still, "A Fix with Sontarans."  It's awful, awful, awful. The way Saville saunters onto the set, kisses Janet's hand and schmarms through the congratulations at the end. Knowing now what was going on, it's unpleasant to watch. Anyway, we agreed that as our marathon continues, we'll make the occasional stop to watch and review the many special episodes of Doctor Who that were produced over the years. I'm pretty confident this will be the worst, so it's good to get it out of the way.

Sarah -
Also from TARDIS.wikia:

- Colin Baker is seen to visibly wince when Jimmy Savile kisses Janet Fielding's hand.

- Colin Baker later told The Daily Mail that he found Savile "creepy and patronising", with "none of the professional respect that one would expect to be shared when two programmes combine for a special purpose". "I recall clearly the disappointment I felt for the young boy [Gareth] for whom I suspect the whole experience was daunting and overwhelming."

Harry -
When Saville's face appeared on the TARDIS scanner, Janet and Colin exclaimed -- very appropriately: "It's monstrous!  It's revolting!"

Saward's story itself was simple, but the production did underscore something for me that I mentioned in our review of "The Two Doctors". These Sontarans are giants!  The amusingly-named Group Marshall Nathan towers over the Doctor. Not for long, though. In murderous Saward style, the two Sontarans are hit with poison gas and they melt into pools of green and brown goo. Fun!

Sarah -
Good grief, but that was disgusting!

Harry -
I'm laughing as I write this because the whole thing is so awful. Did you have any positive takeaways from this one, Sarah?

Sarah -
I thought it was very game of Colin and Janet to do it in the first place. It's was a sweet thing to do for a little kid, which I appreciate.

And that's all I've got!

Harry -
Here's to you, Gareth Jenkins, participant in one of childhood Doctor Who fandom's most awkward experiences.

Our marathon resumes with Story #141: Timelash...